I usually handle horror movies well. I find them appropriately "scary" but they rarely keep me up at night. Not saying they aren't scary enough, because at the time, I am freaked the heck out, but they don't linger with me. I went and saw The Ring with my sister, and at the climax part of the movie, when the little girl is dripping wet and evil, climbs out of the TV screen. I sat there thinking, "Well, this is silly" and looked over at my sister to give her a knowing shoulder-nudge. She had her hood over her head, hood-strings drawn and knees at her chest. What a baby. That movie, in the moment was scary, but I like movies like The Ring, they usually steer clear of the robust Italian meal that is the inside of the human body.
I hate gore. Can't stand it. I think it's not only disgusting, but super unnecessary. and not in the least scary. Like, "Oooo....intestines..." okay, super. That's gross, but I'm not scared. I'm well aware that I contain intestines, so it's expected that intestines is would be pulled out when the evil clown cuts you open and starts monkey-ing with your innards. The main sub-genre I tend to stay away from the most when it comes to the horror genre is so called "torture porn." I have proudly never seen a Saw movie (even though it is pretty fun to say, "Did you see Saw?") I didn't check out the remake of The Hills Have Eyes or The Devil's Rejects or whatever else would full under that sort of offshoot of the horror genre (full disclosure: I love Rob Zombie. And his foxy wife Sheri Moon. I don't know why, I just find them to be terrible enduring, but I just don't want to see any of their movies.) I usually tend to shy away from anything where women are raped and tortured. That's just me. So colored me surprised when I chose to host something called "The Roth-A-Thon."
In early 2010 I saw the Quentin Tarantino movie Inglorious Basterds on DVD with my mother. We loved that movie, mostly because we are hardcore Germans and found it to be terribly entertaining. Mom loves Quentin Tarantino, her favorite movie is Jackie Brown. Upon seeing this movie I found the character of the Bear Jew to be foxy as all get out and was interested in who played him, turns out, it was horror director Eli Roth. He is most famous for directing the movie Cabin Fever, and the movie Hostel, and it's sequel, Hostel Two. Like any good, diligent fan, I sought out his movies. I watched Cabin Fever and LOVED it. I thought it was going to be cheesy (it starred the side kick from Boy Meets World after all) and full of cliches and what not, but I thought it was really well-made, scary and not too gory. The Hostel movies, I was less-than-enthusiastic about. According to the media (said like Chris Rock. Have you guys seen his stand-up?) the Hostel movies are straight-up Torture Porn, and I was not all that interested in seeing them, but my love for Eli was too strong, and from Netflix, I got them.
I invited my dear friend Kristi over to watch them since she was well aware of the hotness that is Eli Roth, so we declared the evening a Roth-A-Thon. We were going to watch both Hostel movies and Inglorious Basterds. I didn't have my daughter at the time (pregnant the Very. Next. Month!), my step-son was at his mom's for the weekend, and my husband was closing at his work that night. It was just us girls and I used to be able to stay up until 3am in early 2010!
So, Kristi came over to the apartment me, my husband and step-son were living in at the time and we were going to have out Roth-a-thon. I will admit, I watched the first Hostel through my fingers, but found it more funny (purposely) than anything. I even made a sauce-y pepperoni pizza for me and Kristi to eat during the movie and we were super proud of ourselves for eating the pizza while watching this blow-torch-y, flesh-melting movie. It was delicious. I was a little more apprehensive to watch the second Hostel movie.
For those of you unfamiliar, the first Hostel movie revolves around a trio of American travels staying in a youth hostel in eastern Europe that farms it's customers out to rich guys so they can torture them in various ways for their enjoyment. Rich guys, always torturing poor backpackers, amirite? I'm sure Donald Trump has the head of a Peace Corps worker or two in his gold-plated closet. In the first Hostel movie all these travelers were young men, in the second movie, they were all young women. Featuring Wiener Dog from Welcome to the Dollhouse. I was really nervous about this movie because I thought it would just be rape, rape, rape. Ugh. I was not looking forward to this.
Imagine my downright delight and frankly, giddiness when not a single young woman was sexually assaulted in any way in this movie! "Eli Roth is a feminist!" I declared! "He loves women!" Sure, some died in gruesome, horrible circumstances, but their vaginas weren't the target! Oh, glorious day How refreshing! If this is what "torture porn" is then I guess it's not all that bad. It's kinda funny. Like how America Psycho is funny. American Psycho is one of the funniest movies of all time, if you have a sense of humor. I even have a Patrick Bateman doll that says, "Don't just look at it, Sabrina. Eat it." Lol-cano!
I am now trying to branch out in my horror movie viewing. I am mostly interested in the classics, Frankenstein, Dracula with Bela Lugosi, etc. I don't know if I'll ever make it a point to see the Saw movies (even though I have an undying love for Cary Elwes) but I try to convince myself that I can handle it, and I may even be pleasantly surprised like the way I was with the Eli Roth movies. As for the Zombie family of films, I'm not against them, per se....I just wish there was less general "icky-ness."
So, now I am seeking out more modern-day horror movies to see, and I am looking for your recommendations! What is my time worth? And what should I skip all together? Ideally, these would not involve dolls that come to life, because that's just silly. Please, let The Halloween Honey know!
I am usually available to watch movies anytime after 8pm, when my daughter goes to bed. Ah, parenthood....